Growing up I distinctly remember my parents telling me ‘Be careful!’ when dropping me off for school, and then yelling it as I was walking out the door to go dancing with friends. Even as an adult going off to college, or going on a trip: ‘Be careful!’. These words have lived in my mind for decades, and I kind of wished they hadn’t.

Being careful implies avoiding danger at all costs; removing ourselves from situations that might cause us harm, pain, or discomfort. The problem is that life comes with risks. Uncertainty is inherently associated with new experiences; and unless we are willing to take those risks, we are sure going to miss out a lot.

I have lived my life cautiously. Almost every decision I have ever made has been taken with caution—extreme caution. From the most trivial decisions, like bringing an extra sweater to an outing ‘just in case’, to the most transcendent ones like buying a car or moving to a new city. I was taught to look at every scenario, to ask what could go wrong, and to always have a plan B. And so, I lived my life on the uneventful side, the predictable side, the safe side.

I was always the kid with the extra sweater, scarf, and jacket… just in case. To date I am the woman who always carries extra cash, a water bottle, and a pen… again, just in case. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being prepared; I thrive on preparedness, on having a plan, a schedule, a to-do list. The problem is when you refrain from being spontaneous because it isn’t on the list, or it doesn’t fit in the schedule. When our lists and preparedness get in the way of living, something has got to change.

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Being careful keeps you safe but isolated. You cannot live life to its fullest, so you stay whole and incomplete at the same time. Making mistakes, failing, and being heartbroken are all part of life; they help us grow, and teach us valuable lessons. In her podcast, The Happiness Lab, Dr. Laurie Santos explains that humans are naturally drawn to sharing. When we share an experience with others our emotions and feelings are intensified. There is a sense of belonging in knowing that others have also experienced what we have. But, how can we ever relate to others if we have missed out on so many experiences? Being too careful can be alienating.

Being careful makes you scared. You know they say it is worse not knowing? It is true. Our minds are powerful, and uncertainty about an event opens the doors of creativity which allows us to manufacture a variety of scenarios ranging from mild to full psychotic (most of us like to dwell on the later). Conquering a fear might be uncomfortable, it might be scary, it might even be painful, but at the end it is no longer uncertain. It becomes measurable, finite, you can give it a number or a name, you have control over it. This means that it will be easier next time you do it because “it wasn’t that scary the first time” or “yes, it was scary, but now I know what to expect”. By choosing not to participate in certain activities we give up our power over them, we let them control us. By being too careful, we allow our fears to steal precious memories and essential lessons from us.

Being smart, as opposed to careful, means that you take a situation, you analyze it and you decide whether or not to act on it, rather than dismiss it altogether because it might be dangerous. It means that you take a risk, because the pay off might be greater than the downside. It means that you come to terms with the fact that you will get burnt from time to time, you will fall, and you will be heartbroken. But it will also mean that you will experience love, success, and amazement. It means that you will experience the full spectrum of emotions; you will live life to the fullest, with its ups and down.

Being smart allows us to acquire one of the most, if not the single most important skill in life: resilience. Pick up a psychology book, or a self-improvement book—any book; you will find without a doubt an emphasis on the importance of resilience, the ability to recover quickly from difficulties. A study by Dr. Seligman back in the 1980’s done on college freshmen at University of Pennsylvania concludes that it is the ability to recover quickly from difficulties or failure what successful college students have that their peers don’t. It is not talent, but resilience that leads to success. The thing about resilience, is that you can’t get up if you haven’t fallen. You can’t try again if you haven’t lost. As much as it hurts, falling is an essential part of life. Every scar comes with an amazing story. Collect those!

“My hunch is that for a given level of intelligence, your actual achievement is a function not just of talent, but also of the capacity to stand defeat.”

“It is the combination of reasonable talent and the ability to keep going in the face of defeat that leads to success.”

“What you need to know about someone is whether they will keep going when things get frustrating.”

Dr. Daniel Goleman.
“Research affirms power of positive thinking”. Daniel Goleman. New York Times. Feb 3, 1987

My advice, to young and old alike, is to be smart, not careful. You don’t have to sell everything you own and start a new life right away, although it wouldn’t be the worst idea. Start small, try a different thing from the menu, that one item you have always been curious about; or talk to a stranger in the bus, ideally a normal looking person; or maybe pick up a new hobby, something your inner child would be proud of. Build off from that and allow yourself to grow.

If I could go back in time I would tell my 15-year old self: ‘Be smart, not careful. Take risks, venture, experiment! You will learn more about yourself by failing that you ever will by succeeding.’ I am not saying to throw caution to the wind, I am saying be smart about it. Consider the pros and cons, evaluate your options, play the odds. If it comes down to a 50-50 chance, take it! Get out of your comfort zone, make some memories and live.

“Christopher Columbus”

This guide has been in the making for over 2 years. It was supposed to be a letter to my little sister when she moved away from home for the first time. It was a time of excitement, uncertainty, and new beginnings. I wanted to share with her what I have learned about solitude in almost eight years of living abroad. Many lessons came in form of arguments, pain, and tears; so, I hope this saves you some of that struggle if you are in a similar situation.

1. Give yourself a chance to grief. Acknowledge your feelings, and allow yourself to cry, to feel scared, angry, sad, maybe even sorry for yourself. Then choose not to feel that way. As Viktor E. Frankl said, “the last of the human freedoms [is] to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” I believe that everything in this life is a choice, happiness is a choice; so choose to be happy, choose not to let sadness ruin this experience for you.
2. Keep your room clean. Open curtains and windows, make your bed, fold your clothes, and dust the furniture. You will be surprised how big an effect this has on your mood; you are more likely to be proactive, and actually do something, rather than crawling back into bed after school or work. There is also a sense of accomplishment that comes when you clean, so if you want to tackle your entire home, even better! As once I heard said, physical clutter is mental clutter, we want neither.
3. Keep your mind busy. Whether you pick up that book that has been sitting on your shelf since high school, or you find a new hobby. Keep yourself busy. You are less likely to remember or focus on sad/negative things if you are constantly occupying yourself. Idle hands are the devil’s playthings, or so they say.
4. It is normal to miss home, but don’t let that stop you from living this experience to the fullest. Learn to be okay with who you are, where you are, and how you are today. You moved to a new phase in your live, EMBRACE it! Believe me when I say: Living in the past will ruin your present. Make a list of things you want to do, places to visit, or experiences to have, and in your free time make it happen. This could be the best time of your life if you let it.
5. Work out your feelings. During the past year I have learned that understanding how you feel takes time, but it’s worth the investment. Many times you will feel angry or sad, only to learn that the underlying feelings are fear or loneliness. Learn to interpret your feelings; talk to someone or write it down. I would have never imagined that writing down my feelings and thoughts would have such a therapeutic and relieving effect. Keep a jornal or write letters, even if you never mail them.
6. Don’t let your feelings control your actions. Whatever you do, do NOT let yourself give up on something you love because you are having a bad day. We all have bad days, in fact, we all have a few terrible days. When (not if) you have a bad day, do what you can to fix it, find a healthy way to cope with it, and learn from it. What can you do to prevent it? How can you make it better? If there is nothing you can do, that is okay too. Accept it and move on.
7. Focus on the why, not the what. Why do I do this? Seeing the end from the beginning is not easy, but it will help you keep things in perspective and in turn it will make your burdens lighter and easier to bear. And even if they are not lighter, you will learn to delay gratification. Very often we have to sacrifice something that we want for something that we want more.
8. Know that it is a choice, not a punishment.  I have never been one to say mantras in front of the mirror, but if you are, please consider this one: ‘You are there because you chose to, you wanted to. No one forced you to do it, no one is forcing you to stay. The moment you decide to come back, you can come back.’ This usually helps me realize why I made a decision, and helps me remember that I am in control of a situation, not the other way around.
9. Remember you are never truly alone. As long as any of us [your family] are alive, you are not alone. Please, please never forget this! Reach out whenever you need to vent, when you have a bad day, or when life gets a bit more than you can handle. I take the F.R.I.E.N.D.S theme song very seriously, so trust me when I say… ‘I’ll be there for you’. More importantly, remember that God is also there for you, just let him in, talk to him, and allow him a chance to talk back.
10. Remember that nothing is forever. If after cleaning your room, finding new hobbies, writing therapeutic letters, embracing your new life, and seeing the end from the beginning you still cannot find comfort, please remember this: Nothing, absolutely nothing is forever. Your bad days will end, the uncertainty will end, your internship year will end too. For better or for worse this (whatever this is) will end, so it would not bad advice to say, enjoy it. One day you will no longer need to pull all-nighters, or feel so alone that you’ll numb all emotions in order to stop feeling altogether, or be so tired that you can’t decide whether to eat, shower, or sleep. When this day comes you will cherish those days, you will be grateful you had them, because without them you wouldn’t be where you are today.

“Christopher Columbus”