Month: December 2020

2020

~ Dianajaen ~ Leave a comment

As we close this chapter called ‘2020,’ I feel like I need to say a proper goodbye.

2020, the truth is that you were a really sucky year. You took away big things… birthday celebrations, family gatherings, coffee with friends and just all-kind of gatherings. You robbed us important moments… from gathering together to mourn our loved ones to gathering to celebrate Christmas. Travel plans along with any hope of vacation and time-off. You took our normality away. No longer were we able to go to the office and leave our work once we stepped out. In a blink of an eye, our lives, our homes and our spaces were invaded. We now had to carry the burden of work within our own homes, our own space.

And you also took away the small thing—small things that now seem the biggest things. Eating chips in the supermarket while grocery shopping, eating out with friends, shopping from street vendors, browsing endlessly the supermarket aisles for hours on end and even smiling random people on the streets. Being able to leave the house without a mask or hand sanitizer. Having very dry and sore hands from disinfecting every single thing thoroughly, groceries, cellphone, pocket change or credit cards.

But I have always believed that how you react to something is more important than that which you are faced with. To be fair, you did give us something for which I am finding myself grateful for, and that is time with ourselves. Having to spend any spare time with only you, has made me come to know myself better. I have realized what it’s essential for me and what is not. I now know where my values are, what are the things that are really important to me . And for this self-knowledge I am very appreciative.

I recently read a reflection from one of my favorite authors, where she traced the good things in her life backwards, and how many of the things were the result of seeds that were unknowingly planted ‘years and months and days before.’ I think that one day we are going to be able to look back to 2020 and understand why it was important to live this year the way we did and hopefully, it will all make sense.

I am happy, even with all of the hardships and challenges that this year brought, for this year. But I am not going to lie, I am also pretty happy for the new year. Though I am certain that our reality will not change when the clock strikes midnight, I am happy for a new year. Hopefully one with more growth and appreciation.

Enneagram

~ Dianajaen ~ Leave a comment

Last week, I heard someone asking about someone’s enneagram. I was intrigued about it so I immediately googled it (on a side note… I find it funny that google is now a verb. How crazy is it?). Any way… where was I? Right! The enneagram is a personality system of nine types of personalities. While it’s uncertain whether this type is genetically determined, many believe it is already in place at birth. The nine types (or “enneatypes”, “ennea” means “nine”) are universally identified by the numbers 1 to 9. These numbers have a standard way of being placed around the Enneagram symbol.

Because I was curious as to what mine would be, I took the test. There were some questions within the test that just “clicked” in the sense that they very eloquently described how I feel/behave in some circumstances. For instance:

I accumulate lots of knowledge to counteract my lack of self-confidence (this one hurt lol)

Change-whether to a new job or a new school makes me more anxious than it does most people

I have been told I am a perfectionist and I suppose it is true (got a comment way to recently about this)

I seldom compromise my principles

I see all points of view when there is a dispute, so it’s hard for me to take a side

Sometimes I am too critical of others but I am much harder on myself than I am on others

and my personal favorite…

It really bothers me when people don’t say thank you 🙂

Initially—without knowing much about each of the type—I thought I would either be a type 3 or a 6. The test results said I am most likely a type 1… The Reformer. After reading the description, I cannot say I am surprised.

The Reformer: Perfectionists, responsible, fixated on improvement.

People of this personality type are essentially looking to make things better, as they think nothing is ever quite good enough. This makes them perfectionists who desire to reform and improve; idealists who strive to make order out of the omnipresent chaos.

Ones have a fine eye for detail. They are always aware of the flaws in themselves, others and the situations in which they find themselves. This triggers their need to improve, which can be beneficial for all concerned, but which can also prove to be burdensome to both the One and those who are on the receiving end of the One’s reform efforts.

The One’s inability to achieve the perfection they desire feeds their feelings of guilt for having fallen short, and fuels their incipient anger against an imperfect world. Ones, however, tend to feel guilty about their anger. Anger is a “bad” emotion, and Ones strive sincerely and wholeheartedly to be “good.” Anger is therefore vigorously repressed from consciousness, bursting forth in occasional fits of temper, but usually manifesting in one of its many less obvious permutations – impatience, frustration, annoyance and judgmental criticality. For this reason, Ones can be difficult to live with, but, on the high side, they tend to be loyal, responsible and capable partners and friends.

Ones are serious people; they tend to be highly principled, competent and uncompromising. They follow the rules and expect others to do so as well. Because they believe so thoroughly in their convictions, they are often excellent leaders who can inspire those who follow them with their own vision of excellence. Reform movements are frequently spearheaded by Ones.

Ones are often driven and ambitious, and are sometimes workaholics. But whatever their professional involvement, they are definitely active, practical people who get things done. They are natural born organizers, listmakers who finish everything on the list, the last one to leave the office, the first one to return, industrious, reliable, honest and dutiful.

The relentlessness of their pursuit of the ideal can make Ones tense people who have a hard time relaxing and who unnecessarily deny themselves many of the harmless pleasures of life. They tend to be emotionally repressed and uncomfortable with expressing tender feelings; they generally see emotionality as a sign of weakness and lack of control. They are seldom spontaneous. They have multiple interests and talents however; they are self-reliant and seldom run out of things to do.

I think that for the most part, the type nailed it on the head. Like… workaholic? count me in! eye for detail? here for it! self-denaying? who? me?

Loneliness of…

~ Dianajaen ~ Leave a comment

Instagram is a funny place. There have been times when scrolling through Instagram has made me feel not so very good about my life. It’s extremely easy to—unconsciously and unwillingly—fall into the comparison trap. You see people with seemingly better lives, better homes, better friends, better families. But sometimes, some lucky times, you get across some jewels.

This week, I came across this jewel… about the types of loneliness by Mari Andrew. This post resonated with me in a deep way because some of them hit right home. And like the over-thinker that I am, I just kept thinking of the type of loneliness I have experienced and needed to put some of them into words…

Loneliness of failing a test

Loneliness of getting a no for an answer when you were really hoping for a yes

Loneliness of starting over in a new city

Loneliness of being physically present in one a place, but your heart being somewhere else

Loneliness of a missed opportunity

Loneliness of could have’s/should have’s

Loneliness of shouldering financial burdens by yourself

Loneliness of making ends meet

Loneliness of pain

Loneliness of being in a room full of people yet feeling so very alone

Loneliness of not feeling enough

Loneliness of overlooked efforts

Loneliness of an unkind word lingering in your head and worse, in your heart

Loneliness of not being home

Loneliness of spending a birthday alone

Loneliness of sitting in the chapel by yourself while everyone else is surrounded by their families

Loneliness of feeling stuck