I’ve been going back and forth on how I should name this post. Though not the most attention–grabber, Coronavirus rightly describes this season in my life. It’s been a strange time… but then again not so. I have always felt comfortable being alone and staying home. In a way, I identify a lot with Eleanor…

I have always taken great pride in managing my life alone. I’m a sole survivor – I’m Eleanor Oliphant. I don’t need anyone else – there’s no big hole in my life, no missing part of my own particular puzzle. I am a self-contained entity. That’s what I’ve always told myself, at any rate. -Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine

The day after reading this, I could not get out of my mind the phrase self-contained entity. I wanted to understand why this small three words resonated with me. A self-contained entity; an entity that does not depend on anything but its own, that does not need to depend of or exist with anything. While I think that no one can be a self-contained in the true sense of the word, I do believe that for some people is more enjoyable and comfortable being by themselves.

People have coped with this situation differently; it’s brought a lot of anxiety to some people, not knowing when and how we will get out of this situation. It has understandably been a time when holding onto hope has been harder than ever. But thankfully for me, this time hasn’t been as cruel as it has been to others.

I’ve found a renewed interest in photography. Specially in monochrome pictures. I used to think that black and white pictures were sad and boring. But I have been proved wrong. I’ve found that they, in fact, can convey emotions in a way that full–colored can’t.

I’ve tried to make the time to go back to the kitchen. I’ve forgotten how good it feels to eat something you’ve taken the time to mix, knead, or decorate.

I’ve made the time to go back to reading. I have read a few books during this time, Little Fires being my favorite of the year so far. I sometimes forget how much I enjoy reading. I mean… I obviously do, but making the time to do so can be difficult. But when I do make the effort do so, I find myself well-rewarded for it.

While this past couple of months have not been a torture, I do hope that it can soon be over. I do miss ordering a pizza on Saturday nights, going to the supermarket in the weekends and just being able to get together with the people you love.

Loneliness can occur even amid companions if one’s heart is not open to them. -Henry David Thoreau

*Photograph by Deanna Dikeman

A couple of days ago I came across this article of a girl who documented every time her parents would wave goodbye to her after she had visited them at their house. It was a really touching article that hit close to home. All of us, at some point, has been waved goodbye by parents or loved ones.

It’s a scary moment… looking back and leaving them behind. Not knowing when you will see them again, if you have the opportunity to have a next time at all. Or equally concerning, knowing what you are separating yourself from. This requires courage and bravery, a lot of each.

And while this made me a bit nostalgic… I also tried to picture the next time they will reunite with each other, either in this life or the next one. What sweet joy it will be. The blessing of coming back to them. Of coming back home.

Being a 90s kid means that by tomorrow I’d have lived in four decades. And yet, there’re still many things left that I need to do. Then again, there are many things that I’ve done that—why not say it?—I feel proud of. So let’s do a major recap…

In 2010 I was in high school, about to start my second semester of sophomore year. I remember how hard I tried to prove that I’d got this. But I so didn’t. I was still trying to navigate what high school was all about, to find the kind of people I wanted to navigate it with, and to find a new balance between a sort of part-time job and school. And, as with most things, in time it happened: I found my people—friends whom I’ve come to grow and experience life with—and I found a way to manage several different responsibilities. Also this year, my oldest sister went away from home. More time was devoted to Skype (because FaceTime was still years ahead) and to Facebook than to any other website in our house. This year I learned that hardly do we see the two sides of people’s lives; just because we usually see the shinny side it doesn’t mean there isn’t a less glamorous one to it.

In 2011, having found my footing, I was more relaxed (if I ever was) and truly enjoyed high school. I understood that you cannot be everything to everyone, and that’s okay. Towards the end of the year, my second oldest sister joined the eldest in Utah and it was hard! It was hard knowing that I had suddenly become the eldest child in the family and that I had to take on responsibilities that were previously unknown to me. This year I learned that your sense of belonging comes from accepting yourself not from finding acceptance in others.

In 2012 I graduated from high school and boy… it was a stressful one. I had no idea what I wanted to major in or where. I was trying to stay home but then, by some inexplicable choice of words that to this day I have no idea where they came from, I turned down a scholarship in my ‘dream school’ to go try med school. Med school worked for a week and a half, and that was that (the thought of this still makes me laugh!). Things were NOT working out for me—but I’m so happy they didn’t (more I this later)—so I started working on my application to BYU. Then in December, I received a letter that would, in every way, change my life… I just didn’t know it then. This year I learned that as long as you can see one step ahead of you, you’re not lost.

In 2013 I prepared to move to Provo, UT. I packed 18 years in one set of luggage. I remember getting on the plane and feeling extremely unsure. I remember not listening to the flight attendant’s safety instructions because I was crying. And just as clearly, I remember the welcome I received at the airport once I landed. I remember going to my first class at BYU, REL121 in the MARB. I remember getting a job, the happiness that I felt, the hard times I had to face, and in the end, the affection I felt for a random group of college kids that had suddenly become my family. I was almost deported and I ended up in the ER. You bet I was SO glad to go back to Mexico for Christmas break. This year I learned in the most tangible way that suffering breathes empathy.

In 2014 I was starting my sophomore year, I had somehow survived my first year of college. This was a year of preparation. I had to start applying to business school, so I worked hard on my extra curriculars. I was inducted to Phi Eta Sigma and I took my first solo-trip to New York. My oldest sister graduated from college and that day I knew with certainty that this dream was possible. Also this year I moved to a new apartment, the apartment that I have loved the most, the one until this day. This year I learned that it’s better to have one hundred rejections than one should have.

In 2015 I received one of those sweet fruits of adversity. I remember very clearly the day I found out I had been admitted to the Accounting Program. I had submitted my application on June 1st at 9 PM after coming home from the gym. Then on June 2nd I went to work, ran to the JFSB to go to my ECON 110 lecture, went to my apartment at around 2 PM, picked up a package from Ulta for my sister, and then… I opened my email. Those who have gone through it would surely agree that it was one of the most mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting things we’ve done, but also one of the most rewarding ones. Teammates became friends, friends became family, the library became home and, without even noticing, endless study hours clumped into days and these into months. And I survived. I think it goes without saying that I received a lot of support, which I can’t properly recognize but that I thank for even to this day. I have actually kept a list of people without whom my degree wouldn’t have been a reality, and I can only hope that one day I can return the favor. This year I learned that whatever accomplishment you have is in no small degree due to people who support you along the way and that when you think you can’t go any further, you take one day at a time. One day at a time.

In 2016 I had to decide whether I wanted to pursue a graduate degree. The decision, believe it or not, was an easy and not so easy one. Even after my admittance to the Masters program, I had moments when I doubted this was the right path for me. But I did it and I don’t regret it. I also moved to D.C.! It was scary being in such a big city. It’s also ironic how alone you can feel being surrounded by so many people. But in time I’ve come to appreciate my time there and the personal growth that came from it. I had the opportunity to work with a wonderful and brilliant man, whom I had the pleasure to call my mentor and the privilege to call my friend. My sister graduated from college and while this year came with its own trials, I was happy to finish it having Christmas with my sister in Utah. This year I learned that sometimes in order to know what you truly want, you need to know first what you don’t want.

In 2017 I had to make some big decisions. Some big plans of mine fell through, I had to deal with some nasty paperwork, my life felt like a mess and I remember the place on the Wilk where, no longer being able to keep it together, I fell apart and started crying. Later that year I had to make one of the biggest decisions a soon-to-be college graduate will make: where to work. Being the indecisive person that I am, of course this was no easy task, but the choice was made. But 2017 also gave me a great friend, indeed a kindred spirit, whom I’ve come to love. From pizza making to yoga classes to her discovering the most OCD things about me, she truly became a life-long friend. This year I learned that God loves me for the things that He has in His wisdom denied me and that the friends you make at college are the real deal.

In 2018 I graduated from college!!! The day finally arrived and it was a bittersweet one. I was extremely happy for I had work countless hours for it and it did require my blood, sweat, and tears… but even then I knew that no other environment in the future, no workplace, no post-education courses, would ever match my college experience. It was a summer of idleness, I had no work, no where to be, no responsibilities. So I took on running and for once in my life I was actively active, if that makes sense. Then… I moved to Texas. Oh Texas! I don’t know if I’ll be able to ever convey with words what you were to me. I can’t deny that you were good to me, I learned a lot about myself, about life, the good and bad, about people, about God… but there was always something missing. And from this I found out that you can move to the center of the world but you cannot run away from your problems. Your challenges will be there with you no matter where you are, until you do something about them. This year I learned that work is a hard master and that I shouldn’t maneuver the ladder of success so wantonly to discover in the end that I had it leaning against the wrong wall.

In 2019 many unplanned things happen. I can say without a doubt that this has been the hardest year I’ve had for several reasons. Beginning in May things just started to fall apart, and it feels like I am starting to get my bearings. June was one HELL of a month. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more desolated and confused before. I had to sell my car, which was no easy quest. I had to pack my life yet again and move back home. I had to say goodbye to a way of living. I had to re-immerse myself again in another country. I had to get a new drivers license. I had to buy a new car, which not surprisingly was no easy quest. I had to find a new job. I had to quit a job. I had to deal with the reality of my choices. I had to find a way to keep on living my life as if things did not change that much. Except that they did and I still catch myself thinking how will I ever make this my new normal. Not one year before this one has had me so excited for a new year. But this time I not only get a new year, I get a new decade! This year I’ve learned that we control the things we can and any effort to do otherwise is useless.

I cannot complain for the hardships I’ve had because I’ve been extremely blessed even in my trials. But I am looking forward to looking back at these events a few years from today with a renewed understanding of the reasons why some of these had to happen. Here’s to 2020, may this be the year of good tithings!

1. Never act on your emotions. In the long run it will do you absolutely no good to say out loud the thought that crosses your mind when you’ve been insulted or to send the email that your fingers typed while fury clouded your judgement. And just as much, like my sister once wisely said to me, you cannot make long term decisions based on how you’re felling right now.
2. Always have an umbrella on hand. Whether it is a sunny or rainy day, you can always do with an umbrella.
3. More often than not, I’ve found that some important decisions have to be made in a relatively short amount of time. Because you want to make the best decisions, you’ve gotta know what you want in life. Granted, you almost never get what you bargained for, but knowing where you are headed sure saves you a lot of grief, insomnia, and tears.
4. People don’t start in the same place. Be gentle.
5. At some point, and hopefully sooner rather than later, we all have to reconcile the life we’ve got to the one we would have wanted to have.
6. Not my words, but it is not productive to recycle regrets. I have heard, in different words though the message is the same, that we are the decisions we make. It has never been more clear to me that each one of us is the sum of all the countless decisions we make every single day, the big ones, the trivial ones, the ones that seem insignificant at the moment but carry more weight than they let on, the ones that we avoid, the ones we omit… It’s hard to imagine but in the end, even the decisions that make us suffer are essential components of who we are.
7. On people, it will always matter more their character than their personality.
8. Invest on good clothes that will last for years.
9. There is power in visualization. On having a visual reminder of what you want in life.
10. You can learn a lot about a man just by looking at how he acts around his friends.
11. A sincere smile, a genuine interest, and a heartfelt thank you can go a looooong way.
12. You have a choice. No matter the issue, no matter the problem you have the power to act on. You choose.
13. Along with the point above, no one will bear the consequences of the decision you make but you. Good or bad, YOU will bear the brunt  or enjoy the sweet fruits of them,  so choose whatever will make YOU happy.
14. Nix death, nothing in this life is irreversible.
15. There is more truth in the lyrics of Vienna of Billy Joel than in any other song ever written.
16. We are all fools in love.
17. Discipline yourself to turn down a short-term gratification for a long-term reward.
18. Patience is a divine attribute. I wish I had sometimes been more patient. To have the faith and conviction that things will unfold and work themselves out.
19. The sooner you realize life is unfair, the better. Having said that, life is much better when you look at the kinder side of things.
20. Not a knowledge but sometimes I wish we could see ourselves as others see us.
21. I have changed the way I think of ‘a privileged life.’ I used to think, and perhaps for some of people it’s still is, a privileged life is one where the spend is not only sufficient but lavish. However, I have now realized that having a privileged life is far more meaningful that this. It’s having nurturing parents, caring siblings, loyal friends. It’s having a sense of belonging, a known purpose, a place to call home. And I for one, have had one. And for this I am grateful now, as I have been over the years.
22. There is power in not caring what other people think of you. Dance if you feel like, in the elevator, in the shower, in the middle of a crowded plaza.
23. You only make a first impression once. Make sure it’s a good one!
24. Never make anyone feel stupid on purpose.
25. This too shall pass. Never forget that this too shall pass.

Death and serious illnesses aside, letting go of what is certain is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with so far. Getting to the point when you start your list of lasts is never easy. It is actually a very complex process. Knowing that this is the last time you are doing something, makes an otherwise ordinarily mundane activity onto something beautiful and sacred. Suddenly, being stuck on traffic on your way home feels a bit less burdensome, doing grocery shopping at HEB feels like a pleasurable experience, and jogging around the lake near your house feels like an invaluable privilege.

But how do you get from one point to the other? From mundane and empty to unique and meaningful. And more importantly, how do you cope with it?

There is a thin, almost invisible, line that you cross once you are on a countdown. Is not yet the finish line, but it is the you-are-almost-there line. I believe that during this short stretch, things are made horribly sweet by the impertinence of finishing. You are almost there and then you stop in your tracks and think, This is it, this is what I have been preparing for! But you are not yet ready to let go. You cannot imagine what you are and what you have without the things that got you this far, let alone, what is after the finish line. But the length is so short and you have to keep moving and there is not time to assimilate what is happening, really. So logic goes out the window and you feel every raw emotion in your system. And the smalls joys that you overlooked along the way and the little comfort that some little things brought to your life are magnified. I would not say it is instant and recognizing it can take a few moments, but once you’re there, there is no going back.

So how do you cope with it? Here are my two cents on it… you don’t.

Of course, while you have got to move on, there are very few things I can think that can help cope with the feeling of closing a cycle or saying goodbye. Meg Fee said it best,  in life you “forgive the bathrooms you hid in crying, the thought of facing the world outside harder than you cared to admit;” you write thank you notes to clumsily recognize other people’s kindness; you make amends with others, and more importantly with yourself; you give a few heartfelt hugs that hopefully can encapsulate the affection you feel for your people, and then… you move on. Painful as it is, endless as it seems.

So in that moment when you have reached the long-desired and recently-dreaded finish line, all you can do is to take the things that have got you this far, the good and bad, and go into a new race with renewed hope that in this new journey you are about to embark, there will be new things that will propel you even forward. And know that these things of lasts may be gone but the growth, happiness, and memories that they brought to you during this period of time, will stay with you forevermore.

Notice the small things. The rewards are inversely proportional. – Liz Vassey

*via Lizzy Hadfield

“The reason that technology so often disappoints and betrays us is that it promises to make easy things that, by their intrinsic nature, have to be hard. Tweeting and trolling are easy. Mastering the arts of conversation and measured debate is hard. Texting is easy. Writing a proper letter is hard. Looking stuff up on Google is easy.  Knowing what to search for in the first place is hard. Having a thousand friends on Facebook is easy. Maintaining six or seven close adult friendships over the space of many years is hard. Swiping right on Tinder is easy. Finding love – and staying in it – is hard.”

Bret Stephens in The New York Times

Though the excitement of NYE’s is wearing off, and the day after today will feel like any other tedious day, today we are given an opportunity that comes around only once a year: the first day of the year. A new year… a blank canvas, a clean slate, a do-over, a fresh start. And sure, yeah, one could argue that when wanted or needed, any day is good to make a change in our lives. BUT, there is something more official, perhaps even more bounding, for starting new goals on 1/1.

So what are my goals this year? I’ve decided, based on my last few years failed attempts, that I am only going to keep three goals this year. Otherwise, there’s absolutely no way I will stick to them. Thought the number of my goals is minuscule, my resolution to keep them is huge. This year I will:

1. Learn a new language.
2. Exercise four times per week.
3. Stop using my cellphone 30 min. before going to sleep.

The world is wide open for anything, for everything!

There is a list of things I am not allowed to say out loud.

That I worry every day that a day will come when I cannot remember how it felt to walk from my college building to my apartment on a fall day, or the way the crisp air felt on my face on my morning runs at Memorial Park. That there are days when I feel I dream too big, and there are days when I fear I dream too small. That I fear buying a nice bed frame only to leave it behind in a year or two or putting a nail to hang a frame because who knows for how long I will stay in this place. That sadly at this early age I have understood —and worse, experienced— both loneliness and solitude. That sometimes it takes every bit of courage there is in me to get out of bed to face what it seems another impossible day. That I hate the expectations that people have about me because I dread they will find out they have been betting on the wrong horse all along. That there are things I would change if given a chance; that I regret not meeting your eyes when you waited for me at the door. That try as I might, I cannot go back to easier, if not necessarily better, days. That I have been fundamentally changed by time and distance and that not often, but some times, I look at the mirror and I do not recognize the girl that looks back at me. That I have made my happiness dependent of two words: “When I…” and that late at night when I think of this panacea I realize it will not come down to it. And above all, that time is slipping by purposelessly and rapidly and no matter how hard I try to keep up, I am always ten steps behind.

In order to thrive, I have to subscribe to the belief that I do not owe everyone, everything. I am withholding; I am not withdrawing. Just as I am not sharing all of the bad stuff, I’m also not sharing all of the good stuff. The best stuff. I don’t want to curate a shiny social-media version of my life […]. But I also don’t want to write long, broken narratives about various issues I face because I do not want to invite conversation into what I am still figuring out. It’s delicate. It’s fragile. It’s mine. Because I know now that what I choose not to share are my most precious truths of all.

I Don’t Want to Convey Perfection Online, But Must I Bare My Soul? by Pandora Sykes

Last Friday, I had the opportunity, the privilege, actually, to read this article by Pandora Sykes. She is a British journalist, co-founder of The High Low podcast, brand-new-mum, and owner of an enviable closet, and boy, am I obsessed with her!

In the past people have used the words private and mysterious to describe me —and with good reason too. I have never been the over-sharer type of person. In fact, I gravitate more towards the never-sharer (yes, I know it’s not a word, but you get it, right?) end of the spectrum. I often feel the need to be cautious when sharing because my protective instincts want me to guard my most delicate feelings and passionate dreams as the sacred things they are.

I am not selfish in my desire to keep some things to myself and I am not mysterious when I do not share every thought that goes in my mind. Believe me, there are so many things that I wish I could share but that I feel unable to. I think it is because these things I cannot share are things that have marked me in a significant way. It is not the car I bought, the out-of-state move I made, or the too-good-to-believe job I landed that I cannot share. It is everything that sits behind a pretty picture and a perfect post. It is how much effort was behind it, what was sacrificed for it, how much some things hurt —and still do. It is how each one of this even has changed me, molded me, and defined me forever that I cannot share. Not yet anyway.

And that should be okay. Each one of us has the right to decide what to share, who to share it with, and when to share it too. But then why do we feel the obligation to share with others what is most personal to ourselves? Probably because our human nature demands to know that we are listened, that others feel what we feel, that they experience similar things, so that in a way, we feel less alone in our joys and less lonely in our sorrows. And this is okay too! Perhaps the hardest part of it all is deciding for yourself what you want to share and what you want to keep for yourself. So decide, and then understand that this decision, just like everything else around us, will and should change, adapt, and evolve.

Make peace with the all the things that you do not feel like sharing yet, and be happy knowing that you are only withholding, not withdrawing.